Season of exponential faith

Some of you may have realised how the content of my blogs have slowly turned into one of those ‘Christian’ ones that always go on about God and Jesus and the Bible.

You can choose to either:
1 Turn away and just think of me as one of those people that think they’re all that just cause they’re Christian and forget about it.

2 Ask me why. My faith has shaped me in an incredible way and if you’re even just plain curious I’d be more than happy to share.

I am going to take a 6 month break from blogging.

The sole purpose is to show that prayer works.

I am going to list prayer points for the following 6 months in my life which I have labelled the season of exponential faith. After 6 months I will come back to write and testify how these prayers have been answered.

• Diligence in my studies that will result in excellence.
• The barriers that my parents have against God will be shattered and that He moves supernaturally in their lives.
• God will start penetrating into every single aspect of my brother’s life so that He is undeniable. That my brother will recognise who He really is.
• Every single person in my life group will overcome barriers and firm their identity in Christ.
• That I will overcome the fear of doubt and to follow Jesus so that I can follow Him to walk on water, just as Peter did.

I’ll see you in 6 months to testify.

God Bless.

Love – 2

Something interesting I came across.

Are you dating someone at the moment?

No, I’m single.

Then you must be eager to date.

….

Why do you think people want to love?

Well…  I’m not too sure. Probably because I don’t like love.

Sorry?

It seems the world has turned desperate for love with so many days celebrating love such as Rose Day, Valentine’s Day, White Day, people celebrate the 100th, 200th, 300th day of their relationship, and on top of that even a religious celebration such as Christmas Day is turned into a day for couples, but I just don’t like it.

Is there any reason why?

Two people that didn’t even know of each other’s existence meet suddenly one day and interfere and try to control the other as though the other person becomes their everything… people call this process ‘love’. The problem with love is because of the fact that they knew nothing about each other. If we assume a future oriented relationship usually begins in the early 20s, then the two people have spent an average 20 years not even knowing the other existed. Which is why the two people can only be different. From that difference conflicts arise.

But, that difference could be a source of attraction.

Yes, that’s true. However, it’s hard for all these factors of taste, personality, looks, upbring to be acceptable, and small arguments are bound to happen. In comparison with arguments with family, friends or other people, arguments with your significant other is a lot more stressful.

Probably because you expect more from them.

You expect more, you get disappointed more, you get more joyful, you get more sad. Under the name of love the most sacred ceremony is ‘marriage’, but doesn’t the increasing divorce rate show that limitation and irrationality of love? Which is why I don’t get involved in such a wasteful, emotional game.

 

It’s my translation from a Korean cartoon, so excuse me if it doesn’t make complete sense and there’s the cultural differences. Such as Christmas Day in Korea seriously being a day to spend with your boy/girlfriend rather than celebrating the birth of Jesus. Quite sad really.

I like the guy’s (green) train of thought. It’s logical and makes sense. It’s true if you look at the definition of ‘love’ from the world’s perspective.

Love isn’t an emotion.

When you approach love from that perspective, you’re bound to end up hurt, broken and lost.

What is it then?

Ooft, like I would know the answer. But I’m getting a clearer picture. It’s definitely not ‘romance’, or red roses or that ‘feeeling when I see them walk into the room (pause to slightly vom)’. Love involes a lot of choices and a lot of compromise.

Again, will post more after next learning!

 

Love – 1

For 18 years of my life my defintion of ‘love’ came from the media.

The whole guy sees girl and falls in ‘love’ at first glance, pursues girl, girl resists for a while but then eventually gives into his valiant courage of pursuit and most likely devilishly handsome looks.

Somehow I accepted this definition without much questioning, but always felt as though it seemed somewhat… insufficient. If that’s what the whole world was going crazy about – attraction, flirting, dating, having sex etc, if that’s what love was, then I didn’t get what the big deal was about.

Meeting Jesus started creating a new, a more correct defintion of what ‘love’ truly is.

I’m still learning, but one thing that annoys me is what the world has made ‘love’ into something FAR less than how it really should be valued.

Because I’ve found that there truly is a love that’s greater than life itself – that no Hollywood crap would ever even come close to.

Shall post more as I learn more!

In other news, I’ve managed to crawl out of the emo hole I was in the previous post – Hallelujah! Will post the revelation about that another day.

I sincerely hope and pray that you understand this love that I’m talking about

Side Dish

Since starting uni I’ve been swept up into this fear.

This fear that I’m NOT doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

I’m lucky if I’ve had a physically exhausting day, which means I’ll fall asleep before my thoughts start to plague me.

But if I’m not, my thoughts lead me into an endless spiral that end at a dead-ended tunnel and I dread the next morning, feeling completely hopeless.

Mornings are the worst, knowing you’ve got to get through the day and all the things in between and all you’ve got to look forward to is the night, and the next morning.

Why all this emo, depressive-ness you may ask?

In an earlier entry I talked about how I established a passion for music but was happy to leave it as a pastime, a hobby, a side dish.

I’m realising that the passion is overfilling the dish capacity I allowed for it.

It’s spilling onto my main dish, but simultaneously I realise the realities to be harsher each time.

I’m in a completely empty room alone holding this completely wrecked dish but not being able to make one move, because the weights on my shoulders prevent me from doing so.

No Regrets

I am a dog person.

Ever since I was young I wanted a dog and my parents made me that ‘When you’re in Year 11 you’ll get one’ promise.

Year 11 came and after years of persistence I used that promise to get my parents to finally get me a dog.

She really brought joy into the family, especially during a time when our family was going through difficulty with my mum’s cancer.

Thinking back over the last 3 years with her, I’ve realised that I’m really a pathetic owner.

I’d take her for walks when I wanted to.

I’d feed her if I was bothered to.

I’d wash her if I had to.

I’d only play with her when I was bored and I had nothing to do.

Now, since we’ve moved house we’re no longer in circumstances (because we rent) to keep her and we’ve reached a heartaching decision point.

If we can’t find someone to look after her, she’s going to the shelter. This means that if she’s not adopted within 1-2 weeks, she gets put down.

It took something like this to realise how unworthy I was of her, how useless I was as an owner, and my love for her was actually self-centered – all about me.

It made me re-think about just my attitude towards life in general.

How passive and lazy I was, how this attitude ended up creating moments that I would regret in the future – just like how I’m frustrated with my dog and how I shouldn’t been a better owner, then at least I wouldn’t be regretting it this much.

If I continue like this, I’m going to end up having bigger, greater and even worse moments of regret.

I don’t think God gave me life so that I’d just waste it away in a passive manner using the excuse ‘Oh, just waiting for God to do his will through me’.

In my relationships, studies, work, church ministry, in everything I do I need to do it better – with a better attitude.

Oh and also, if you know anyone that may be able to accomodate with looking after a dog for even 6 months to a year, please contact me. I just want her to go to a family where she’ll be loved and taken care of.

So, lesson learned.

From now on, no regrets.

Random Thoughts #4

• Pleasantly surprised that I’m actually keeping up with this ‘Random Thoughts’ series.
• Had to clean the crap pellets of some unidentified creature in our kitchen/cupboard area at work. Nothing more humbling than cleaning out poo.
• The one time I decide to talk to myself in the toilet (at work), well I was trying out the rap to my current favourite song, someone has to walk in. Never again. Well, we’ll see – I have yet to have mastered that rap.
• Man at work was telling us his ‘to-do’ list when he got home. The first thing on his list was ‘go home’. I thought that was quite funny.
• I don’t understand why the green tea packets I buy always make my tea red/yellow.
• I work hardest on Sunday. Ironic as it’s the Sabbath and I’m meant to rest.
• Whenever I get emotionally stressed about something, I always end up expressing it in Korean in my journal entries. It’s strange cause I always thought that I was more comfortable with English. I mean, I am, but this must be an exception.
• I don’t like to say I regret past decisions in life, but if there was ONE thing I could change, it would be to start and practise guitar from a younger age. Then I’d be even more awesome now. (Yes, the use of ‘more’ means that I have already established the level of ‘awesome’.)
• My current best friend iPhone is being weird now and again, but I’ve decided I will show it unconditional love and patience, as Jesus showed me, instead of smacking the lights out of it to make it work.
• As my friend dropped me off at home after church, I saw my younger brother and his friend on the basketball courts. I walked up to them saying ‘HEY BOIII’ in that Vietnamese accent that I have yet to master. It wasn’t my brother. Luckily it was his friend so I slipped past having a very awkward moment.
• I despise the word ‘cubits’ – *shudder*
• I’ve decided that traditional birthday messages are boring and now will write unconventional birthday messages.

Goodbye Subbo
We’ll get together at one of the bus stops in Gold Coast and shoot our Lucifer dance video one day.

2011

When I read through my old journals I think it’s super cute how at the start of every year I was so sure that it’d be a life-changing year and that I’d become, well… more awesome.

Examples of such would be:

- I’m going to study REAL HARD at home, but pretend like I don’t at school so then I look like a genius.

- I’m going to be funny in EVERY SINGLE SITUATION so that I get heaps of friends.

- I’m going to exercise and work-out daily so that I look AWESOME.

Well obviously everything worked out (jokes).

When I crossed over into 2011, I had absolutely no thoughts about New Years’ Resolutions and things of the sort. Actually, I came home too late on New Years’ Eve and 2011 started with my grandparents and mum being pissed off at me. Seems as though my New Years Eves will never be beautiful (ref ‘Making Moments’ where I discuss my New Years Eve 2009).

After spending 3 weeks in Korea which coincided with Christmas (Shoutout to Jesus) and New Years, I came back to notice some surprising things had changed about myself.

• Music taste

I’m a big music junkie and like listening to my mainstream pop (both Western and Korean) and hip-hop mostly (I like to get my rhythm on). When I came back from Korea I found myself listening to a lot of Korean indie and old-school music – folk, acoustic – that sort of stuff. My brother came into my room to say “Noona (older sister in Korean), why the heck are you listening to old people music?” I think I’m getting old

• Food taste

I’m a huge foodie. I love food and consume a lot of it. However ever since I’ve come back, food doesn’t seem to excite me as much and the amount I can eat has reduced drastically. Plus I’ve gained this strange acquired taste for tea – which comes from a person that used to tease people drinking tea, calling them old. I must be getting old.

• Sleep

I love sleep. Can’t get enough. But the amount of sleep I have at night seems to have decreased also. I remember how my grandparents wake up during the early hours of morning when it’s still dark cause as you get old apparently you lose sleep.

I’m entering my twenties this year. I never thought that it would come, but it’s staring me in the face.

It’s time to run.

In other unrelated news, I am very thankful of the life I’ve been given after my trip to Korea. I need to thank Dad and his decision to immigrate more often.

In more unrelated news, one of my closest friends is moving to the Gold Coast. Funny how we spent all this time trying to stop her from going to Canberra, then she decides to hop off to Queensland.

In final unrelated news, I’ve recently started appreciating my Korean roots more and have awoken to the beauty of the Korean language. I’m taking Korean Translation this semester at uni and am quite looking forward to it!

It’s Australia Day tomorrow – eat some lamb cause I’m Sam Kekovich! (I don’t get it, can someone explain to me the relevance of that guy and lamb???)

Two Paths

I wrote in an earlier post about writing about my vision. I shall keep true to my word.

I’m currently studying commerce and law at UNSW. Yes, it’s the ultimate Asian combination.

While all Comm/Law Asian kids are assumed to be aiming for a job at one of the big four or five firms, get a better than average salary and live the high life – I’d like to think that I’m an exception.

My vision’s been refined quite a bit over the last two years and this is where I’m at now.

‘To speak up for those that cannot speak for themselves’ – I guess this is the fancy quote that sums it up. I’d like to become a lawyer who’s able to bring justice to those most injusticed. Still quite broad and vague, but I’d like to believe I’m still at the beginning.

Unfortunately to become someone in that sort of a position, I need ‘power’ of this world. Which comes in the form of money, status, fame… you get the picture. Things that seem to corrupt every single person who achieve a high position, no matter how good they seemed (Ref. Tiger Woods).

So this is the path.

I’m going to have to walk the path that every Comm/Law Asian kid walks – to achieve that position, to get that money. But I need to walk it looking at the focus the entire time. My eyes will have to be continuously glued to God, who gave me this vision, because at any point I lose that focus, I will be tempted and will no doubtedly fall into the pits of this world.

The one question I have is, is it even possible to bring glory to His name through such a dangerous path?

Or will I fail and surrender to my own personal desires and temptations?

Sometimes I wonder, why don’t I just stick to a safer vision? To just try to reach out to my small sphere of influence and stay away from the dangers.

But why the heck would you want to live life ‘safe’?

I’m probably going to fall, no doubt. But as long as each time I lose focus, I slap myself in the face, get back up and refocus – would that work?

Well, we’ll see.

Electric Guitar – why is it now I have opened my eyes to your beauty?

Fragility

Relationships are fragile.

Maybe it’s because as humans we’re all imperfect sinners.

And that because as humans we lack capacity to show grace.

One broke yesterday.

It was one I held for 16 years of my life.

One that I believed would last me the rest of my life.

Relationships are fragile.

Faith

I don’t usually post about my faith, but this of late has become the forefront issue of my life.

Faith

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing. (Dictionary reference)

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Heb 11:1)

What is my faith?

You could classify me as a Christian, brought up from Presbyterian roots.

However during the first 18 odd years of my life, attending church because my parents also did basically just meant that I believed there was a God who created me and he sent his son Jesus to the earth to get crucified and if I believed that, I would get eternal life in heaven after I died.

I had no idea what the latter part meant, but I took it and accepted it – I mean I didn’t want to die and go to hell and get tortured for eternity.

That was what my faith was. Going to church on Sundays and hearing some bible stories, get some free food and feel safe at the fact that I was guaranteed to an eternal life in heaven after death.

However, that was not enough to go from as I entered high school.

I had to be ‘cool’ – witty and humorous so people would like me and I’d have friends.

I needed to be ‘intelligent’ – so that I’d get good marks at school, I’d get respect and my parents would approve.

I had to be ‘beautiful’ – so I would be attractive and appreciated by the opposite gender.

This all came together so that in the future I’d be happily married, have a successful career with earning lots of money so that I’d do what I want and get what I want.

I had no time and energy to put into God – because hey, I believed in Jesus so I get eternal life in heaven, what else do I need to do?

This mindset drew me away from church as I spent most of high school figuring out ways to have the best personality and studying so I’d get the best UAI and get into a respected university degree.

My faith mindset took a drastic change when at a church camp in 2009 suddenly I realised that by choosing to put all this other stuff ahead of God was a sin. How empty my life was chasing these dead-ended ways of the world. I broke down into tears at how far I wandered away from him and asked if He would take me back to live a life that was more purposeful and satisfying – in things that the world would never be able to provide.

I’m not a spiritually sensitive person. I don’t get prophetic visions, get holy laughter, manifest nor things like that. However that day when I chose Jesus again, I was ‘spiritually slain’, blacked out for a bit and awoke to my mouth rambling off in a language unidentified. I was freaked out of my mind, not knowing what this was all about but felt at peace in the curled up foetal position I was, my mouth running off by itself.

After this strange incident, I arose to my feet to feel something I had never before. I felt completely hollow inside, completely light and refreshed as though everything dark I had stored inside of me had been taken away. It felt as though God had given me a new beginning.

Ever since then, I realised that my definition of faith was wrong. It wasn’t about just having a safe guarantee at the back of my mind knowing that when I die, I’ll go to heaven.

So now I’m on the path of trying to figure out what the right definition of faith is.

I have had many revelations since that day about who God is, why I need to make Him the centre and top priority of my life and how I’m going to live this life with Him.

For a year and a half, I thought that reading the Bible and praying everyday, going to church every Sunday and serving in a ministry was what my faith consisted of.

However, now I’m at another defining point in my life where my definition of faith might have to radically change again.

I understand that God, Jesus the Holy Spirit is the centre, the priority. However, how much time do I need to devote to attending conferences, prayer meetings and so forth? Is praying to God for 12 hours more pleasing to Him than me attending to my studies? Is the sight of me jumping up and down screaming praise songs more pleasing than me quietly reading through books of other religions in order to increase my knowledge? Should I be chasing every church and God related conference instead of spending time with my friends or working jobs to earn money?

If the first of all I’ve mentioned is more pleasing to Him, then shouldn’t I quit my job, my degree and just live at church with my face on the ground or go and speak to anybody to convert everybody to Christ?

I’m getting very confused and trying to come to a correct judgment is just impossible when it seems that people at church are all pointing towards the first while my parents are complaining about the first and encouraging the latter.

I seriously need some help.